Growing Up Types: Resonable and Valid Expectations

Reasonable and Valid Expectations

CV White Quote: “Expectations become unreasonable when you do not understand who people are to you and misunderstand who you are to them”

It is important to know who people are to you and who you are to them.  Some relationships are clearly defined and you have no problem knowing who people are to you and who you are to them.  For instance, married people know who they are to each other.  You are my wife and I am your husband, or you are my husband and I am your wife.  Likewise, parents and their children have a clear understanding of their relationship to each other.  Uncles, nephews, aunts, nieces or cousins all understand their relationships because they are clearly defined.  The problem comes when you position yourself in someone’s life as what you think that they are to you and begin to operate as if that were true.  The more you operate in the status of that relationship, the more real it becomes to you. Your expectations of them become unreasonable if that person does not share your ideas of the relationship. If you do not understand who you are to them, you will get hurt or wounded just because you lack understanding. 

One example of this is imbalanced attachments. A person who forms an imbalanced attachment is one who positions and attaches themselves to a person or a group of people without an invitation.  For example, if you have a best friend (this is not gender, it could be male or female) and you spend a great deal of time with their family, at some point you begin to feel like one of the family.  You will begin to act like one of them, you participate in the picnics, you bring your dish, you travel with them to the amusement parks, etc. Why, because everybody treats you like one of the family, but they do not see you as blood kin. However, you felt as blood kin because that is how you see them to you.  Then when their family has a big family event (a big wedding or graduation) but they do not have enough tickets for you or does something that you would really like to share with them, (it could be something as wonderful as a great business deal) you find that you are not invited.  You are now hurt because you did not understand who you were to them.  While the person that introduced you to their family may be a good friend, or even a best friend that sticks to you closer than a brother, their family did not share that reality.

One of the ways you can recognize who you are to them is to invite them to your house to spend time with you and your family. You will get more no’s than yeses and sometimes you get all no’s.  You are always going to their home and family events but they never even suggest coming to yours.  That is OK. You can keep going to see them and be a part of their family gatherings but just know who you are to them and let them be who they are to you.  You can treat them as blood kin because that is who they are to you without expecting that they will do the same for you and still enjoy their company and fellowship without feeling rejected when they desire not to include you. It is a wonderful thing when you are able to treat someone as blood kin when you know that you are not and not be upset when they do not return that privilege.  When you understand who people are to you and who you are to them, you can enjoy every moment of every relationship with every expectation in tack and in order.

There are four stages in the metamorphosis of butterflies: egg, larva (call caterpillars), pupa, and adult.  Each stage has a different goal and can be considered to be a different family, since none are able to be like the others. Therefore, there is no confusion about the expectation of each stage.  They know who they are so they have no expectation to be anything else. They do not attach themselves to any other stage (family) but they enjoy the process while they are becoming something new.  If you show kindness and love to someone and they desire not to show you the same, remember it is their loss because they will never know how good you felt when you did that for them.  By the way, you do not have to attach yourself to them uninvited to be kind or to show love or to receive it from them, expect this of yourself and let your expectations stop there.  That is a reasonable and a valid expectation.